Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
