I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
