Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
