Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
