my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
