I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
