You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am naked and annoyed.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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