dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
