he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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