I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize