life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize