I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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