I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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