The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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