Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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