I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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