The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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