i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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