And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I'm really busy with my period
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