I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
