Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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