Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
