i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
