He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
