dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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