Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
