the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
