Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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