He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
