Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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