a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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