so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
