New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize