Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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