I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
