I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
