Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
