i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
