Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
