White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
