I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
