This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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