I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
