We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize