wakey wakey hands off snakey
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
