So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
