Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
