You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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