I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
