I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
