loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
