Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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