Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
