I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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