I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
