What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I want is dick and wine.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
