I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
