apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
