my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Text me some of your sweat
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
