Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
