Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
