I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
