my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
